Entering into marriage is a huge life altering event, you are placing everything that you are or ever will be into each others hands and hearts with the intention of building a new life together.
The truth is, building a loving, healthy, supportive and lasting life together doesn't just happen...it's created, day by day and moment to moment. Sound like work? It is! When this labor of love is commenced with heart felt dedication, commitment and the ability to be truthful with yourself and each other, then the labor of love grows into a joyful and gratifying state of being.
All "successful marriages" arise from each individual consciously taking full responsibility for themselves and owing their own stuff first.
Mastering the Self must come from a place of true authenticity (from an unimpeded heart space) not (a limiting ego self, old baggage, etc.), which enables the individual and the couple to fully engage, grow, learn and expand within the love they share without limitation.
One of the most common pitfalls couples unwittingly fall into is harboring the misconception that their love will fix them in some way. This, unfortunately, is not the case.
The reality is, if one does not address their deeper issues prior to commenting themselves in marriage, the unresolved issues, sooner or later, will present again, and again, and again. This action is very corrosive and damaging to the relationship, and over time it will take it's devastating toll on the future of your well being.
Most couples, if asked to consider theses points, would choose to address and resolve issues before entering into marriage.
This is...if they had actually given it any though at all.
Hence, the purpose of this article.
The love you share with each other is in fact a separate living breathing energy and entity in and of itself.
You might very well liken it to a child you have created together.
It is comprised of many intricate facets of who you are as individuals, thereby creating who you are as a couple and the quality of your hopes and dreams for the future of this "child -relationship".
And like a child, it requires constant care, devotion, patience, understanding, maturity, wisdom and a steadfast responsibility to yourself and to each other...and of course...a good deal of tweaking as you go too. (smiling).
So then, is it not wise and reasonable to give wakeful consciousness and consideration as to how you will both care for and nurture this most precious child, "your relationship" to full maturity?
The obvious answer coming from a loving couple, is of course...yes!
Marriage is the most amazing and rewarding journey you will ever embark on, it can also be equally challenging when unprepared.
You are promising each other that you will "really be there, fully and wholly".
That you will apply yourself to the relationship as husband and wife, with "All That You Are".
In today's western culture of consumerism and commercialism, many couples have an unrealistic and superficial understanding of love and marriage, with little understanding in the ways of Self Mastery or even basic awareness of the necessary relationship tools.
Few understand or are even aware of the profound Spiritual aspects of themselves, let alone each others Spiritual roles within marriage.
It's very likely you never taught of such things nor given the opportunity to make yourself aware. Well, that's about to change!
The good news is, there are steps you can take to ensure that you are doing and being the very best you can to make your marriage and life together a rewarding and successful journey for a lifetime.
If this makes good sense to you both, then let's get started now.
Make an appointment! We will begin with assessing and facilitating deeper insights and a foster stable leaps forward into understanding the current spiritual health of your relationship. Bringing to light the areas of strength as well as areas you may wish to work on.
Inquire About Premarital Guidance
by Angie Lewis Copyright 2006 Heaven Ministries
Managing your marriage doesn’t have to be difficult. It takes a few initiatives on your part to get yourself into the proper prospective of how marriage really works. Marriage is about living your purpose and attaining your goals that are related to that purpose.
1. Marriage Takes Team Players
Marriage takes team players working together to accomplish the same objectives. It doesn’t matter what those goals are, but what does matter is how you play the game. For an example, a wife should not go her own way, and not consider her husband and the husband should not go his own way without considering his wife. What is that anyway? That’s not the intention of Gods design for marriage. I think that’s downright selfishness.
In marriage there is no room for selfish actions. Each spouse should look for ways to build each other up for the good of the marriage. When you work with your spouse, helping them and encouraging them when they need it, you are helping the marriage to become all that it can be. Do you realize that marriage is a gift from God?
God gave Adam and Eve the gift of each other. Eve was a beautiful sight to behold for Adam and the marriage was consummated when he became one in flesh with her. The gift to us is that a man will leave his parents so he can be united to his wife, and become one in the sexual joining together with her. This is what marriage is!
If you could imagine for moment, the person you married as a gift from God, then your actions would begin to work towards building up the gift you have been blessed with, instead of doing things that would tear down the gift and damage the marriage union.
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. Genesis 2:22-24
2. Marriage Takes Commitment
In marriage commitment is finishing what you start? When you stand at the altar, making promises and stating your vows to the person you love that is the starting point for your commitment to stay married for life?
How well you keep those promises and vows shows your level of commitment to the marriage. Are you still married to your first love? Commitment is not difficult to achieve when we make marriage an important aspect of our life.
We can follow God’s design meant for marriage or we can follow the flawed design of society.
The culture of today has shown us how to throw marriage aside as if it means nothing. But God’s intention for marriage is a commitment for life. At the beginning of the world God created the union of marriage between a man and a woman to be permanent until death. Treat your gift with the commitment it deserves.
3. Marriage Takes Respect
Respecting the person you married takes action. Respect is submission, humility and appreciation all rolled into one. The flawed view of this is that couples believe these things need to be earned. Earning points to be treated with respect is wrong. This is what conditional love is all about. But God’s design for marriage is based upon unconditional love for each other. Submission is voluntarily cooperating with your spouse out of love and respect for them.
…God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:5-6
Bottom line is if you work together, commit yourselves to the marriage and respect one another the devil cannot come in and devour your marriage.
Learn More at
Most people marry because they love each other. Often we have different definitions of what love really means. Jimmy Evans discusses the different types of love and how only one will last a lifetime.
Becoming soul mates never happens easily. You don’t find your soul mate, you create your soul mate. Becoming one is based on making the right choices, not your emotions or chemistry with each other.
How well you communicate has a direct correlation to the success of your relationship. Your marriage will never rise above the level of your mouth. Words have a dramatic impact and are always consequential.
It is said that getting married is “the most idealistic thing we will ever do.” How true that is!
We didn’t think so before we got married, but we sure saw it afterward.When we enter marriage we’re filled with so many hopes and dreams. We believe they all will come true. That’s because we have found the person we want to spend the rest of our lives with. We believe we are two people destined to build a life of love together.
But as we look around we see so many couples who don’t seem excited about their love anymore.
As we look at the divorce statistics, we need to take note. These couples were probably filled with the same hopes and dreams as us. They probably thought they had found the person they could build a great life with —a life filled with love. But something changed along life’s path for them. It’s something, or some things that took them by surprise.
Perhaps, just perhaps, a big part of the reason might be that they didn’t work through as many hidden, unrealistic expectations as they should have before marrying. It’s very possible that if they had, they would have been more prepared for the real world they would enter into if and when they married.
That’s why books, such as the one that Bill and Pam Farrel wrote titled, The Before-You-Marry Book of Questions published by Harvest House, is a great one to go through together with the one you are dating or engaged to.
It seems to be a good one to give you insight into some very important issues you will eventually encounter. And it sure seems wise to process through those important matters now, rather than waiting. This way you’re all the more sure of your choice in each other. And you’re all the more prepared for the great marriage you believe you will build together.
How I wish that my husband Steve and I would have had a book, such as this one.
We came into marriage SO unprepared. We were just sure that our love would “naturally” grow and grow. It didn’t. Yes, at first things were great. But eventually as life pushed us against each other, as it most often does, we encountered major problems in our marriage. That is something we never, ever thought would happen to us. Perhaps you can relate.
I believe with all my heart that this type of book is essential to help you learn not only more about each other, but also to learn how to better learn how to handle differences. It helps you to persevere in working together. It shows you that sometimes you have to “agree to disagree.” Other times, you need to build relationship bridges, despite your differing ways. This book will help you with that mission.
What I like about this book is that the authors, Bill and Pam mix it up. The methods they use help you better get to know each other. You may think you know what you should, but as you go through the questions and the exercises, I think you’ll be surprised. I found several things about this book and many questions different than other pre-marriage question books. They all have their own unique slant on what they are trying to help you learn about each other.
So, please consider getting this one, The Before-You-Marry Book of Questions, plus a few more for a good balance. We recommend many in the “Recommended Links and Resources” in the Marriage Prep Tools topic.
“It’s as simple as this: You can pay now or pay later. You can do the long and rewarding work of talking about your histories —where you come from and what you expect —or you can wait until those issues just show up. And they will show up. (Toben and Joanne Heim)
Here’s some advice from Dr Debbie L. Cherry, which I hope you will take seriously:
“Taking time to develop the healthiest communication skills you can at this stage can save you much heartache in future stages that are even more stressful. Couples are often very good at both talking and listening during dating. This open and honest sharing is how you became so close. It’s what made you feel you knew each other so well. You took time to really listen to each other and gave each other your undivided attention on a regular basis.
“Once married, these skills seem to get lost in the shuffle of daily events. The time you have available is less and less as the children arrive. So take advantage of the fact that during this stage there is more time for the two of you to communicate and grow closer. Use the time available in this stage to develop the best communication habits possible. This will help you make it through to that last stage. That’s when once again you’ll find that you have more time for each other.”
I hope you will because I believe it can truly help you.
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this blog.
Marriages fail for many reasons and often from a combination of reasons. Any of the issues listed here should give cause for concern and care. Unaddressed personal and spiritual issues will affect both partners, even if one is unaware or innocent.While there is little difference between Christian and non-Christian marital woes, a Christ-follower has the power to recognize issues in the light of God’s Word and experience the transforming power of His Spirit. Marital bliss is fictional, but marital happiness can be a reality.
Read More: Here are 20 reasons why marriages
(even Christian marriages) fail...
Why Some Marriages Fail
by Awakening Womanhood
Marriage is one of the most decisive steps a human being can take because through the seriousness of the vows exchanged, spiritual bonds are formed which can make or mar both parties, no matter their previous standing. It is also one of the greatest support systems The Almighty provides man with to help both parties become better human beings and fulfill the purpose of their existence. Thus, it should only be undertaken by the mature man and woman who have found true selfless love for each other and who then wish to strive together towards high ideals. All other reasons e.g. selfish interests, convenience, mere affection or passion etc., fall short of the genuineness and vitality inherent in a true marriage, which alone can ensure that it thrives.
However, in spite of all the earnest promises made by both bride and groom to each other on their wedding day, these initial joys do not always live up to their expectations, because judging from current statistics more than 50% of marriages end up in one or more forms of physical or emotional separation. This begs the question of why some marriages fail; amongst others, here are a few basic reasons why this could happen:
When the foundation for the marriage is wrong.
Normally, whenever a foundation is faulty, no structure can stand firm on it. This truism is even more so with marriages! From the knowledge mediated in The Grail Message, we know that even from birth every human being brings along certain inner qualities, the harmonious development of which can be aided through those with complementing qualities.
Thus, it is the responsibility of the individual to undertake a personal journey of self-discovery, in order to get to know himself properly, so that at the right time, he can correctly intuit and recognize his true complement, for whom selfless love (which only desires to give and serve the other) will also blossom. A complement is one who naturally has the ability to bring out the best in the other through the blend of his own characteristics. Thus, uniting with one who is not a true complement is from the start, tantamount to erecting a building on sinking sands and the outcome need not be guessed about.
It could sometimes happen that through people external to the marriage, for example, family or friends, disharmony and discord are brought in either knowingly or unknowingly . In such cases, the bond of the marriage is as strong as its weakest link; thus it remains their duty to guard against any negative interference by engaging in sincere open communication and diligently building their commitment, trust and friendship to one another. Above all, a humble looking upwards to The Almighty in trust should underscore all that they do.
Even when the foundation of a marriage is right and there is no negative external influence, it is of utmost importance for the couple to pay attention to the internal building blocks which keep their love evergreen. One of such indispensable blocks is that they need to mutually connect at the level of their deepest beliefs, core values and goals and as friends, strive to find deeper meaning to life through the joint pursuit of common uplifting goals. If this does not happen, it may be only a matter of time before they drift apart, just because they were unable to forge this strong connection, as buttressed by this quote from The Grail Message – “Working together and having the same high aims are as necessary for a sound marriage as exercise and fresh air are indispensable for a healthy body”.
And so when ‘love’ seems to be waning in a marriage, rather than look for quick fixes or distractions, it is necessary to prayerfully go back to the basics and take a very objective and dispassionate look at the factors mentioned above, which are the mainstay of the whole structure.
In addition, each spouse desirous of fostering a happy and harmonious union should find the courage to always look first within him/herself in order to recognize and work on the personal changes they need to make before demanding it of the other.
And in this, woman should take the lead, for if she chooses to ignore all else and focus on becoming faithful to her task as priestess of purity and cultivates within herself those virtues which make her pleasing to God, she will bring to bear her inherent ability to positively influence and silently remodel the man for good, which could very well re-ignite their love, provided that the foundation was healthy in the first place.
It is true however, that sometimes there may be deeper- lying fundamental and irreconcilable differences which could bring a marriage to an end despite all efforts. Thus should it happen that one or both spouses are not desirous of resolving their differences and a separation or divorce eventually become necessary, it should be handled in a mature manner and executed with a high sense of understanding and mutual courtesies, so that friendship need not be sacrificed on the altar of bitterness and disappointment. All in all, the down-times that sometimes occur in a marriage could be used as important periods for self-re-discovery which in turn will become a strong catalyst for personal growth.
It's Not the Size nor the Wedding Trends that Matter...It's the Way of the Inner Spiritual Foundation You Create Together.
It's not the size of your wedding, be it an elopement or a Big White Wedding. It's the Way in which you marry that truly matters.
Couples viewing their marriage as nothing more than a mere legal formality or one big lavish party may not be considering the overall outcome. Let us consider some basic and vital Preparing for Marriage Wisdom.
20 Reasons Marriages Fail (Even Christian Marriages) at CrossWalk.com
Ultimately, the act of getting married intersects with family and friends at some point. There's little chance of avoiding it, so it may be best to go with the flow in this regard, they will want to attend.
Even the smallest of weddings should be shared and filled with love and joy.
Even more important is...what is created in this moment in front of family and friends holds a lot of significance. Sharing your marriage creates beautiful memories everyone will cherish and remember fondly.
The people that love and care about you want to be there for your wedding and will likely feel cheated and hurt if they are not given the opportunity to attend.
The well wishes and love generated from your nearest and dearest family and friends are very relevant, even in the smallest of weddings.
What to Do When Your Partner Won’t Work on Your Relationship
By Sandra Cooper
"It takes two to manage the relationship, but it takes one to begin the change.” ~Sheri E. Ragland
So, your significant other doesn’t understand you. In fact you’re not even sure if they hear you. Despite trying to talk about things or take a break from each other, you end up arguing about the same thing over and over again.
You try this and you try that. You back away, you move in. You break up, you get back together. You try everything you can think of, and nothing is working, but you don’t want to end the relationship.
You finally realize that no matter what you two do, you eventually find your way back to the same conflict, repeating the same dance again and again and again. Nothing seems to ever change.
So, you get excited when you finally figure out what you need to do—couples counseling! Relief floods you, confident now that couples counseling will save this relationship! And so, you announce to your other half, “We need couples counseling.”
But alas, like a punch to your gut, your partner has no interest in couples counseling and refuses to go. Barely able to breathe, you know your relationship is really at an impasse and you are hopeless to know how to fix it. It is certainly doomed if you don’t get the counseling you both need.
I know the feeling. In fact, my car was packed at least once, and I was sure I was finally going to leave.
Thank goodness I didn’t.
Did you ever hear the old adage, “I married my mother” or “I married my father”? There is truth to this statement. Despite our inability to recognize it, we do often marry or partner with someone like our mother or our father.
And I am going to tell you why.
First and foremost, it’s familiar. We’re attracted to what we know. Secondly and most importantly, we marry or partner with someone like our mother or our father in an unconscious attempt at resolving old conflicts and feelings left over from those original and significant early relationships.
Read that again: We marry or partner with someone like our mother or our father in an unconscious attempt at resolving old conflicts and feelings left over from those original and significant early relationships.
That’s a lot to mull over, for sure.
Never underestimate the impact your childhood experience had on your life. Never underestimate the impact your relationship or lack thereof, with your mother and father had on your life. Even absent parents can have an immeasurable impact.
They were the mirror through which you learned to see yourself. If, more often than not, you had a positive, encouraging, supportive mirror, you likely grew up with healthy self-esteem. If that mirror was more often than not, judgmental, critical, unsupportive, or disinterested, then your self-worth is likely at the lower end of healthy.
Think about it. Those relationships, or lack of, sent you multitudes of unspoken messages.
The question is: What are the messages you took in and how are they affecting your current relationship?
I grew up in a male-dominated household and religion. It was not until I was an adult that I recognized that I believed men were more important than women. No one ever said that to me, but that was how I interpreted the male-dominated environments that gave little to no voice to women.
As a result, I rarely spoke up, remaining hidden. I found myself in unhealthy and unsatisfying relationships where I allowed men to dominate me. I never fully showed up as a valuable and integral part of the relationship I was in.
This is one of the ways that our past follows us into the present, inviting us to grow and learn beyond what childhood taught us. Figuring out how to navigate our emotional world and our relationships is paramount to this process. Hence, a not so peaceful, sometimes antagonizing relationship with the one you love can be the invitation you need.
So, s/he won’t accompany you to couples counseling. What to do??
The change we want in our world, always starts with ourselves.
Now don’t get me wrong, I get it. If only s/he would [fill in the blank] it would all be okay. If s/he would stop [fill in the blank], I would be just fine. I just need him/her to [fill in the blank] and we’d be happy. And so it goes.
Every relationship has a dance. You do this and s/he does that. S/he does that and you do this. That would be the repeating pattern that has you going around and around and around, never resolving a thing.
You are both trying to convince the other of why you are right. That is a lose-lose situation.
When you can both recognize that this is not necessarily a right-wrong situation, both having valid points, you might find your way to a win-win situation.
If one partner changes their steps, breaking out of the old pattern, the other has three choices:
In other words, if he molds himself to meet my needs, I won’t have to be disturbed or expected to take care of my own needs. Ah, wouldn’t that be nice?!
Maybe, not likely, but unrealistic, nonetheless.
So, I finally got into therapy. Alone.
Best decision I ever made. (Other than marrying my husband.)
It was hard work. Grueling at times. I had to unearth my childhood experience to finally understand I was expecting my husband to meet the needs that my parents had been unable to meet.
I was demanding. I wanted him to be interested all the time. Drop what he was doing when I needed him. I was irritable. I expected him to know what I needed without my telling him. I wanted him to coddle me and sympathize with my struggles.
I didn’t want a husband. I wanted a parent.
At some point in my therapy, I said, “If I had known then what I know now, I would have never married my husband.”
I have since said, “Thank God I didn’t know!”
I began to heal old wounds. My therapist became the surrogate parent who put a new mirror in front of me. This one showed me my strength, my ability, my heart. I began to realize I was capable and strong.
My moods stabilized. Depression lifted. Anxiety subsided.
I learned to listen to myself the way my therapist did. I learned to have compassion for myself the way my therapist did. I learned to love myself the way my therapist did. That was the mirror I needed—one that showed me my value, equal to that of anyone else.
Having done so, without even realizing it was happening, I stopped looking for my husband to parent me. I didn’t need him to. I was now doing it for myself. I began to see him more clearly, realizing how present and steadfast he had always been.
As I stopped putting demands on him, and accepted him just the way he was, he became more available to me. Our relationship improved. Tremendously.
As my steps changed, he changed his own and we found a healthier dance.
Now, I am not going to tell you that your outcome will be the same as mine. It may not be. You may get healthy enough to realize you don’t want the relationship anymore and you will then be able to take the appropriate steps to do what you need to do.
S/he may leave. Then you may have to grieve what the relationship never was to begin with. If things aren’t working as they are, then maybe you have less to lose than you think and fear is getting in the way.
Facing your fears, and delving in to your own insecurities, distorted beliefs, and unhappiness provides the opportunity to be free from emotional dependence on another person.
And that is a good thing.
That is a very, very good thing.
Don’t wait for someone else to get on board before you do what is best for you. Love yourself first and the rest will follow.
Source Tiny Buddha
Premarital and Marital Counseling Sessions Know Thy Self. This is the key fundamental principle to giving and receiving love without reservation or limitation for a lifetime.
When we know who we truly are and what we are about, we are then able to stand in ever expanding self empowerment and wisdom, whole heartily and in genuine love that will stand the test of all time.
When asked if the issue / issues were discussed prior to getting married, the answer is too often "no."
Don't make that mistake. If you are already married, talk about these issues now! If you aren't yet married and you don't know your future spouse's thoughts on these issues, postpone your wedding and start talking.
More to Read: Top Ten Marriage Mistakes
Premarital Guidance InquiryLearn About Couples Premarital Spiritual Counseling