 By Come Reason Ministries I have an 18 year old son that has been dating his girlfriend for 2 years. They are officially engaged. Recently they suspected she was pregnant. God answers prayers and thankfully she was not. I tried to talk to both kids about pre martial sex and abstaining until they are married. My son's reply shocked me.. He proceeded to tell me "We are married mom".. I asked what made him think that. He said they had made their vows to each other and consummated the relationship, and though not legally married he felt that they are married in the eyes of God. He also stated that no where in the bible does it state you have to go through a "ceremony" and he felt what they did was enough. My son is a VERY intelligent boy, in the top 10% of his class in college, but since he started taking philosophy he has come up with some strange ideas about God etc.. I want to show him that they need to be legally married but I can't find anywhere in the bible where it states "How to marry", it just says marry. Can you help me find an answer, or is my son right? Any advice would be appreciated. Lynn Hi Lynn, Thank you for writing. This is a very interesting question as it pertains to the biblical approach to marriage. I'd like to review the way the Bible approaches the concept of marriage. I think marriage is woefully misunderstood in our society and by examining how the Bible defines marriage we can better grasp how we should enter into a marriage relationship. 1. Marriage is an institution created by God and therefore is holy.Jesus confirmed this in Matthew 19 when He said, "Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, 'for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate." Because God created marriage, it becomes more than just a cultural idea. It is a holy union blessed by God. In recognizing such, it deserves a certain amount of respect and recognition beyond "we say we're married so we are". 2. Marriage can only be between a man and a woman.In creating marriage, God defined it precisely. Genesis 2:24 states, "For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh." Marriage can only be between a man and a woman where they are joined together as a single entity. It involves the leaving of the old, childhood life and starting something new. There are many kinds of unions between people. However, that does not make them equivalent to marriage. Living together may be a type of union, but it does not join the participants into a single entity. Our laws recognize that spouses cannot testify against one another; precisely because they are joined in such a union. It also answers the question of so-called "homosexual marriage". Since, by definition, marriage can only be between a man and a woman, homosexual unions are not marriages. They cannot be. You may use some other term to describe their relationship, but to use the word marriage is incorrect. The definition won't allow it. 3. Marriage is more than a commitment.In your question, you state "He said they had made their vows to each other and consummated the relationship, ... He also stated that nowhere in the bible does it state you have to go through a 'ceremony' and he felt what they did was enough." Your son said he felt making vows to each other was enough to constitute a marriage in the eyes of God. However, the Bible actually does take a different view. You see, marriage is more than just making a commitment to someone else. It is also entering into a holy covenant before God. In Malachi, God is rebuking the people of Judah for not following His laws. There we read, " 'Because the Lord has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion, and your wife by covenant.. For I hate divorce,' says the Lord." (Mal 2:14,16). (For more on divorce, please see "Is Matthew 19 a Contradiction?"). God says here that marriage is a covenant, one witnessed and sealed by Him. A commitment is a civil agreement. A covenant is religious by nature and should be presided over by a religious official. Breaking a commitment can be done by mutual agreement. However, a covenant is considered binding and can only be broken if God has provided for such a dissolution - such as adultery. 4. Marriage is to be witnessed. Because marriage is a covenant to be entered freely by two individuals, is must be witnessed by at least two or three people. This idea is confirmed in Matthew 18:16, where Jesus quotes Leviticus, "Out of the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed." Ruth 4:9-12 shows this applies specifically to marriage when Boaz seeks out witnesses to secure his right to marry Ruth, the Moabitess. There, the witnesses even pronounce a marriage blessing on them. 5. Marriage is to be held in honor. If we take all of the above into account, we can see that marriage is an institution not to be taken lightly. In fact, it is a union of the highest honor. "Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled..." (Heb. 13:4). Interestingly, this verse links the idea of marriage to legal custom. In Romans 13, Paul tells us that we are to be in subjection to governing authorities. In other words, we are to obey the laws of the land because God has placed those people in power. Then, in verse 7, he writes, "Render to all what is due them: tax to whom tax is due; custom to whom custom; fear to whom fear; honor to whom honor." We know that marriage is honorable and the Bible commands us to render it honor properly. Further, it shows that we are to obey the governing laws and respect the customs associated with Biblical marriage. Our laws recognize the holy union of marriage (point number 1), require it to be between a man and a woman (point number 2), recognizes the covenant nature of marriage by sanctioning clergy to perform marriage ceremonies (point number 3), and requires witnesses (point number 4). Therefore, in order to give marriage proper honor and to render the proper respect to the governing authorities, legal marriage is both required and appropriate. It does not follow that legal marriage is not necessary in today's society. Taking all into account, the Bible clearly shows that an official marriage ceremony governed by clergy is entering into marriage appropriately. Jesus blessed official marriage by performing His first miracle at the marriage feast in Cana (John 2) . His relationship with the church is compared to a bridegroom and his bride, again showing the holiness of the marriage relationship. It is an unfortunate commentary on our society that we've reduced the idea of marriage to one of comfort. With Las Vegas 30 minute weddings and no-fault divorce, we are straying farther and farther away from the idea of the holy covenant God set forth. It is to be binding, not broken by any man. I would question your son's sincerity in his intent for marriage. If he truly is serious in vowing "until death do us part", then why would he be resistant to making that vow legal? Many times people are betrayed by their concern for the consequences of their actions. The consequences of dissolving a legal marriage are much less than they were, but are still significant. It could be those consequences are what bothers him, which means he isn't entering a covenant relationship, but merely a temporary agreement -and that isn't marriage. I hope this has helped you understand what Biblical marriage is and why it is important. Please let me know how things go. I will be praying for you and your family. May God bless you as you continue to seek Him. by Marriage Missions  The following are quotes from various resources, which center on the different stages of marriage.
• Life is lived in seasons. And similar to the natural seasons, there is a seeming tug of war between the seasons of life as one merges into the next and things change. A great question to be aware of and answer together is, “What season are we in right now in our relationship or in our lives?” Periodically looking at everything in your life through this lens is a key to being able to flow with and appreciate what each season brings your way. It’s a crucial key to your attitude and ability to enjoy each season for what it is. (Rowan and Mara Fraser, from Couplethingsblog.wordpress.com article, “Driving Your Conversations Deeper: Seasons”) • Each marriage goes through different seasons, and each season has distinct challenges and specific blessings. Newlyweds have the challenge of considering another person’s desires. But they soon discover the joys of married life as they learn to care for each other. The arrival of a first child ushers in a different season in marriage and brings with it the challenge of sacrificing the couple’s wants to care for the needs of a baby. Both mates are challenged to learn flexibility, for life with a young child is unpredictable and taxing. But there is a wonderful blessing in watching this treasure begin to respond to your love. The season of having children at home brings many challenges. One is finding time to cultivate our marriage relationships. We are forced to reorder our priorities and determine what really matters in family life. That reordering brings blessings to our marriages. Some seasons are more challenging than others. The benefit lies in working through the challenges and focusing on the blessings. Ask God to give you a fresh vision for the season you are in right now. Fresh vision often comes when we recognize and develop our gifts. We want to be with those who bring out the best in us and encourage us. A blessing we can give each other is to encourage one another’s gifts. (Susan Yates, from book, “A House Full of Friends”) • Your marriage must be built to outlast your children. Even if you do not have children yet, the principle remains the same for any marriage regardless of the season of life—your marriage must be built to grow through every life stage and still be on its feet at the finish line. Just what can you expect in the years ahead, and what can you do to make sure your marriage reaches its full, vibrant maturity? (Dennis and Barbara Rainey, book: “Starting Your Marriage Right”) • Sometimes a marriage has been too child-centered to the detriment of the couple relationship. It is important for couples entering any stage of marriage to commit to keeping the relationship “partner-centered.” In a “we-centered” marriage, the couple’s love relationship is central in their daily lives. This allows their love to flow outwards to their children and others. The Church makes it clear that couples are called to love one another in an extraordinary fashion. A good way to begin redefining the marriage is to reread your wedding vows to one another. Allowing oneself to grieve the loss of particular roles enjoyed during parenting years is a healthy start to new growth. Discussing openly the strengths and limitations of the relationship and setting new goals together is also helpful. Letting go of old hurts and resentments is a necessary step towards growing healthier and holier in the marriage. Sometimes professional help may be needed. (From the Foryourmarriage.org article, “The Empty Nest”) • Each passage of marriage through which every married couple travel, like bases on a softball diamond, must be appropriately dealt with if the next one is to count. And the tasks that accompany these passages must be completed before the next tasks commence. By tasks we mean attitude changes one must make and jobs one must complete in order to maintain an intimate marital relationship. Should a runner skip over a base, inadvertently or on purpose, dire problems result. Should a runner get stuck on one base, the only way he can leave is by walking away scoreless. That’s infinitely less satisfying than making it to home plate, for the aim of the game from the very beginning is to make it home. (From the book “Passages of Marriage” by Minirth, Newman, and Hemfelt) • There is a cost in keeping the marriage relationship vital and growing. One of the prices paid is in time. It’s a payment that can’t be held back without devastating consequences. So to continue ensuring a joyful relationship, or to return to a more loving relationship, decide here and now that you, as a couple, are going to pay the price in time. (From the book, “Opposites Attack” by Jack and Carole Mayhall) • The bottom line of your marriage contract is the bottom line of any union contract —two entities helping each other succeed and move forward. (From the book “Passages” by Minirth, Newman, and Hemfelt) • The Romantic Love stage often feels so good that you want it to last forever. In fact, you expect it to last forever! In a new job or a new love, everything seems perfect at first. When you see things that you don’t like, you might deny or at least minimize them. You tend to go above and beyond what is required or expected. You feel energized, alive, and filled with new dreams. In romantic relationships, your heart is filled with love and you know that this person loves you. You both find many ways to show your love. When you’re apart, you are thinking of one another. Everything feels right. Some people feel a sense of finally ‘being home’ or of being ‘complete’, feeling alive and connected. What we now know through research is that not only is your heart full of love, but your brain is flooded with feel-good neuro-chemicals like dopamine and PEA (phenoethalymine). Chemically, it belongs to the type of drugs like amphetamines. However, the effect it has on behavior is similar to that of an endorphin. Like most endorphins, PEA increases energy, feelings of well being, positive outlook, and diminishes pain. It increases sexual desire. PEA is what allows you to skip meals and sleep. If you usually tend to be anxious, PEA may help you feel safe and calm. If you are usually depressed, you might have more energy and see things more positively. You believe that it is this other person that brings the best out in you at last you’ve found the one! In some ways you are loving ‘under the influence!’ So, enjoy if you are in this stage! (Dawn J. Lipthrott from the About.com article “Are You Going Through a Stage in Your Marriage or Relationship“) • Getting to “we” seems like a given for newlyweds: You’ve planned the wedding together, tied the knot in front of friends and family, earned the marriage license that proves the two of you are an official legal entity. Yet experts say it’s important to make a concerted effort to heighten and reinforce this new sense of oneness — and then to guard and protect it. “It’s so important that couples form their own new, separate union together,” says Claudia Arp, who with her husband, David, founded Marriage Alive International and co-authored marriage books including 10 Great Dates to Energize Your Marriage.” “But we see a lot of husbands and wives who never, ever re-prioritize their relationship after marriage. They’re still entwined with their family of origin, putting their parents and siblings first. Or they’ve been on their own for years and don’t realize that their friends or job or other interests no longer take precedence. You need to be able to say ‘My spouse comes first.’ Yes, you love and respect your parents. And you still get together with your friends. But this is your anchor relationship. If you establish this now, it will be easier to hold on to when life becomes more complicated later in your marriage.” (Sari Harrar and Rita DeMaria, from “7 Stages of Marriage” from chapter “8 Ways to Forge a Sense of We”) • A crucial task facing couples in the first few years of marriage is developing an identity as a couple. In part, couples have to define “who is in” and “who is out” of their relationship. … After newlyweds define who they are as a couple, they next must face a long list of decisions about how roles and duties will be divided up. This is a challenging task that requires honest communication so a couple can work together on the best solutions. The couples who come out of this stage the strongest are the ones who develop a clear and stable sense of “us” so they can approach life as a team. (Scott Stanley, from the Marriage Partnership article, “Now and Forever”) • “Too often when the children leave the nest, couples move from a child-focused marriage to an activity-focused marriage,” Claudia Arp said. “Community or church activities may now take up the time and energy formerly devoted to your children. Kids were buffers and unfortunately, these activities may still be buffers to a mutual partnership marriage. “Couples need to make the transition to a partner-focused relationship.” (From the article, “When the Kids Fly the Coop” by Linda Wessling, published in the Fifty Plus Advocate) • Our marriages are never static; they are always changing —either growing or withering. …Oneness in marriage gives the picture of two persons joining their lives to form a marriage team— growing in intimacy in all areas, enjoying one another completely. Any help we offer our mate helps our team. Any pain, hurt, insult, any lack of support or faithfulness, any failure to help our mate will reflect back on our team. (From the book, “The Marriage Track” by Dave and Claudia Arp) • We’ve all heard jokes about marriage ruining a perfectly good relationship. And it might even feel like that in your own relationship or in that of someone you care about. Why does something that starts out feeling so good seem to go downhill once you take that step of commitment? One reason is that relationships go through predictable stages, although the intensity may vary from person to person and couple to couple. You may notice that relationships with friends, a boss, a job, or an adopted child may follow a similar pattern; everything seems wonderful and then the “honeymoon” is over. Frustrations or hurt feelings begin to mount. In marriage or in a deeply committed love relationship, these stages take on new intensity. There is much more at stake when we make a commitment to spend our lives together to love and be loved. So why does the love seem to go away? One of the culprits is that couples get stuck in one of the early stages and are no longer moving through them. (Dawn J. Lipthrott, from article, “Are you Going Through a Stage in Your Marriage?) • Being aware of the stages of marriage should help couples to understand that their relationship, even if in a tough or awkward spot, is probably normal. Even with the ups and downs faced in absolutely every relationship, you can still have an amazing connection with your partner for decades to come. All it takes is a little attention, love and effort. Do it! You are worth it. (Dawn J. Lipthrott, from the article, “The Stages of Marriage: Reality Check) • I‘m certain that if more couples realized that there really is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, they’d be more willing to tough it out through the downpour. The problem is, most people fool themselves into thinking that whatever stage they are in at the moment, is where they will be forever. That can be a depressing thought when you’re in the midst of hard times. And in marriage, there are lots of hard times-unexpected problems with infertility, the births of children (marital satisfaction goes down with the ‘birth of each child), the challenges of raking a family, children leaving home, infidelity, illnesses, deaths of close friends and family’ members. (Michele Weiner-Davis, from the book, “The Divorce Remedy”) • Seasons change, and so will the place you’re in now in your marriage. And when a season starts to change, talk about it openly. Talk, discover, share what’s coming down the road. Instead of having static expectations about your relationship, feel free to let them follow the natural rhythm of the seasons your love will pull you into. Life is lived in seasons. Which one are you in? What do you like and not like about it? What season is coming? Face it together, hand in hand. (Rowan and Mara Fraser, from Couplethingsblog.wordpress.com article, “Driving Your Conversations Deeper: Seasons”) • It takes guts to stay married … There will be many crises between the wedding day and the golden anniversary, and the people who make it are heroes. (Howard Whitman) As a long time Minister and Premarital Mentor, I was thrilled to see this well written, very realistic and balanced view on getting married and the misplaced focus on wedding day preparations vs the marriage. For the most part the majority of young couples don't give the necessary marriage priorities near enough forethought, and what forethought is given is not on track with the reality of marriage and commitment. Of course, I could go on with this topic for some time, and often do. This very topic is what I begin with during my Premarital Mentoring Sessions But instead I will direct your attention this excellent article on The Everyday Girl.  With all the emphasis on a wedding being the so-called best day of one’s life, it’s no wonder many of us feel pressured to live up to the hype. But in between planning a kick-ass reception or a simple, sweet ceremony, it’s important to remember the reason for celebrating in the first place: the marriage itself. Here are five reasons to keep your focus on what comes after you say “I do.”
1. You’re vowing to show up for your future, not just your present. When you get married, you’re promising to stick together for better or for worse, through sickness and in health — which means you’re committing to your future more so than your present. You may have the best wedding ceremony ever, and a party for the ages, both of which can serve as long-lasting, sweet memories that showcased your love. But with marriage, you’re committing to much more: building a future together, or a continuation of your life together thus far. That could involve children, pets, homes, travel, aging parents, lost jobs, cross-country moves, illness, loss, and much more. Those vows? They aren’t just words. They’re guidelines to shape your relationship over the years. 2. A marriage license doesn’t define commitment. People get married every day. They also get divorced every day. So I hate to break it to you, but just because you throw a stellar wedding under all the right circumstances doesn’t mean you’ll stay married. You could also meet someone, get married within two weeks, and celebrate your 50th wedding anniversary. On that same note, you may decide to skip marriage altogether — and still be fully capable of wholeheartedly committing yourself to the person you love. The point is, commitment is a choice, and it’s one you gotta make every day — not a piece of paper. Plus, there are very real legal elements to getting married that have nothing to do with delicious cakes or sweet tuxes – like social security benefits, tax deductions, making medical decisions on behalf of your spouse, and health and employment benefits. Those things may not be sexy, and they’re rarely mentioned at a wedding, but they function as the practical part of marriage in your everyday life way past twirling on the dance floor. 3. Weddings are practice for planning big moments — together. These days, weddings can quickly become a huge production: custom letterpress invitations, personalized cookies, flowers shipped in from across the country, and dresses for both the ceremony and the reception. And yeah, weddings are technically events, hence the entire industry of wedding planners. Don’t get carried away. By all means, make your wedding memorable in a way that feels authentic to you and your partner (i.e., if you want to obsess over handcrafted signature cocktails, dooooo it), but let go of the desire to impress others. Instead, focus on what matters to the two of you. And regardless of the details you decide upon, consider the relationship skills you’re building by planning a wedding – like learning how to communicate better, budget appropriately, make joint decisions, compromise, listen to one another, etc. Take your wedding as a chance to learn how to work together as a team day-in and day-out down the road. 4. The people you invite serve as your community. One of the coolest things about weddings? They are one of the few gatherings in life where almost all the people you know and love have an opportunity to be in the same room together. Now, this isn’t always the case — some couples elope, have a family-only ceremony or celebrate with a reception months later — but no matter if you invite 20 or 200 people, those who bear witness to your celebration in any form are special. And later in life, in your marriage, you’ll likely rely on some of the people who showed up for you at your wedding: when you go through an eventual rough patch, when you’re struggling with a crisis, when you’ve gotten off course, and when you’re feeling on top of the world. So on your wedding day, think about the fact that the community surrounding you may be just as important to your overall well-being as the person you’re marrying. 5. Ideally, you’ll have many “best” days of your life. In my opinion, claiming your wedding should be one of the best days of your life is like people who say high school was the best time of their life: yeah, okay, but also not really. Because wouldn’t that be depressing, to only have a few declared “best” days of your life? I think so. Consider your wedding day a happy kick-start to a new chapter of your relationship together, where ideally, there are more best days to come. Aim for your marriage to be as beautiful as your ceremony and reception, and plan on devoting the same amount of time, energy, and intent to holding hands on your anniversary as you do to walking down the aisle. Do you think a wedding prepares you for marriage? If you’ve tied the knot, what do you wish you had known on your wedding day about commitment? To Rehearse or Not To Rehearse? |
Wedding Wisdom BlogA collection of true real life Wedding Wisdom, skillfully guiding the To Be Wed couple on the path to spiritually imbued wedding wise decisions. Assisting couples in the creation a living Touch Stone, unique to them, that will serve and sustain a solid and loving foundation for a new life and journey together as husband and wife. 
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